It’s been too long friends but I’ve finally been released back into the wild after several months’ captivity within one of London’s most prestigious sanitariums.  I almost don’t know where to begin, but allow me to cast my mind back several months, all the way back to the beginning of the Big Night In tour.  Like traveling back in time, I see a younger, more sprightly Lana, naively flicking through tour book layouts alongside Darren. Back then I had no idea of the amazing events that were about to unfold. 

It was the tour book photo shoot that proved to be the precursor to the life changing events that would follow.  For those of you who saw the finished product, you’ll no doubt have noticed how slick and polished the final result was.  That was owing to a couple of good reasons:  First of all, Darren had a lot to do with its creation.  Second of all, I was there to check spelling mistakes, spill coffee and leak pens over artwork whenever the opportunity arose. Hey, but I also organised photographers, wardrobe, hairdressers, and Wally the cocker spaniel whose petulant rider demands suddenly included pigs’ trotters.  But more than this, I also had the all-important responsibility of organising … props. 

There was an underlying retro theme to that tour book photo shoot: Outfits reflecting icons of yesteryear; Darren wearing chunky 70s earphones; Darren wearing a pair of flares the size of Belgium.  (I made that last bit up.)  And Darren had another brainstorm.  Incorporated into the shoot would also be a Retro Gold Microphone!  I made it my personal mission to source said item, even if it killed me.  Darren made it a personal priority also.  So suddenly, we found ourselves consumed by the wonders of eBay.  Never mind the telephones, the unanswered emails, tour arrangements, endearing queries from entourage concerning minor trivialities such as set lists.  We were too preoccupied with a bidding war. 

Finally, from the mists of an audio equipment deluge emerged a Retro Gold Microphone.  It sat lonely in a dusty basement somewhere in Southern England.  It was soon to be ours, ALL ours.  So what if it was broken?  We had to have it.  We bid and we waited.  And then we waited some more.  Then, as predicted, that little golden nugget was ours!  And then it wasn’t.  The owner sent us a note telling us she didn’t want to sell it anymore because it was broken.  She felt bad.  So it was back to the drawing board.

Not to be deterred, I returned to the miracle of eBay and by God, someone in the USA was advertising not only a Retro Gold Microphone, but a DIAMOND ENCRUSTED one.  We’d struck gold in every possible way!  This was so much better than a stupid old broken one.  With a gasp, I shared with Darren the amazing news.  It was DIAMOND ENCRUSTED!  Like a S.W.A.T. team, we were all over it.  We bid.  And a day later, for the bargain price of just ten US dollars, that priceless little gem was ours.  It soon arrived in the post.  And this is what it looked like.

I photograph this alongside my well-manicured finger to give a rough idea as to scale.  The microphone turned out to be little over an inch long.  (I also incorporate into said photograph a stuffed mouse we keep in the office.  It’s included to (a) make my photography seem slightly more interesting; (b) emphasise the smallness of the microphone, because mice are renowned for their tininess; and (c) because it’s cute.  But back to the microphone.  It turned out to be a brooch.  ‘Nuff said.  Was this to be a metaphor for my role in the Big Night In Tour?

Let’s cut to our first production rehearsal out at Bray Studios in Windsor just before kick off.  It was there, for the first time, just days before the tour began, that I learned of the enormity of my on-stage role.  To say I was terrified is like saying hacking off one’s arm with a rusty compass stings a little bit.  I felt sick.  Darren found my pale pallor, sunken eyes and quivering lips humorous.  It would be “character building” he insisted. 

Soon I was like a shadow behind Darren prancing across stages all over the UK, Ireland, the Sydney Opera House and Bangkok, negotiating stage stairs night after night before toppling into audiences to drag people onstage to join in on all the fun.  And you know what?  It was fun!  But there are three things you should know:

1.Backstage at the Manchester Carling Apollo, Darren called me over urgently, leaned in and, before he whispered whatever it was he wanted to whisper, I kissed him.  I swear to holy God.  See, I thought he was leaning in to kiss me good luck.  I did EXACTLY the same embarrassing thing I did TWICE on the 2004 Dark Light Tour (refer to previous Lana’s Latests).

2.There was a point on the tour where I found myself sniffing a pair of Darren’s socks in an effort to ascertain whether or not they were dirty. It was then that I realised that things were going too far.

3. I ran a bubble bath at the Wolverhampton Civic.  It looked like this:

So I was heavy handed with the bubble bath?  Troy enjoyed the bubble explosion and my idiocy immensely.

After performing before 30,000+ people, the tour is now a blur and life goes back to normal.  As ‘normal’ as it gets around here, anyway.  We had such a great time and God, you people are so lovely, warm and friendly.  For those who missed a Big Night In, the Sydney shows are of course being immortalised on DVD in an Australia-only release, so you didn’t really miss it at all.  I’ve seen some of the rough cuts and it’s looking rather smashing.  Look out for that in December.  Oh, and the Too Close for Comfort tour doco too in November. 

Today Darren works on his new album.  To give you an insight into where he’s at, let me close with a conversation Darren and I shared yesterday:

Lana: “Okay, what do you make of this?  Every day for the past week, I’ve been spotting loose change out on the streets.”

Darren: “Ummmm .. yeah?”

Lana: “You know ‘see a coin and pick it up and all the day you’ll have good luck’?  I’ve seen a coin every single day.  Think about it.  Every day, consecutively, for 6 days.  I think I’m lucky.  Don’t you find it weird that that’s happening?”

Darren: “No, not really.  I just think you’re picking up change that nobody particularly wants.  It’s like people are dropping it on purpose solely as a trail for the ignorant and stupid.”

Lana: “No!  I’m lucky.  And something weird is happening.”

Darren: “Yeah, okay.  But your reasoning makes no sense to me.” 

[There was a pause.]

Darren: “Do you know I think I’m time traveling at the moment.  Like, right now.  I think this is the past.”

Lana: “What?”

THAT’S where Darren’s at.

Lana Penrose

PS.  So you made it this far through my piece, even scrolling beyond my picture?  Interesting.  For your perseverance, you are now probably the only person – aside from the vast majority of the London population – to know that Darren currently sports a barely-detectable facial blemish.  I provided him with a tried and tested remedy.  It didn’t really work.

As you can see, he now blames me for its unsightliness.

A PUNCTUATION QUIZ …
An Excerpt from Tour Book Hell

QUESTION: DARREN HAYES TOUR; or
DARREN HAYES’ TOUR
Apostrophe or no apostrophe?

I was pro apostrophe.  As in the tour of Darren Hayes:  the tour belongs to Darren Hayes and therefore Darren Hayes requires an apostrophe indicating possession.

Darren was anti-apostrophe.

I engaged the services of a published author for verification.

ANSWER: DARREN HAYES TOUR
No apostrophe

It’s a Madonna tour, not a Madonna’s tour.

Darren was apparently right.
I was apparently wrong.
I said APPARENTLY.
I still can’t quite accept it.

Did you get the right answer?